Jose Mourinho appreciates the finer things in life. And I don't just mean fine things like Chelsea Football Club or John Terry or Eden Hazard. He's already getting a supercar designed specifically for him and is the first to take delivery of an F-Type Coupe, and he's an official spokesperson for Jay-Z-approved Hublot who also happen to make the most expensive watch in the world.
In any case, apparently at some point he was in France to partake in some Hublot-sponsored event, during which he was interviewed by French TV station Canal+. The quotes you may have seen making the rounds today come from this interview, or, additionally, some off-the-cuff jokey remarks he may have made in an overheard conversation with one of the sponsors. And while he judges all three strikers as "impossible" transfer targets, that hasn't stopped the rumor mill from picking them up as stories of substance.
"It is impossible. This is another thing which I don't want to feed the rumours of."
"He is happy at Paris. I know because we are in touch, we're friends. Zlatan is mission impossible."
-Jose Mourinho; source: Canal+ via Inside Futbol
So that's quite clear. What about Cavani?
"Cavani? Yes, I like him, he is a very, very good player"
"He is also an impossible task because Paris paid a lot of money for him and he has an amazing contract. Maybe not as impossible as Ibrahimovic as Zlatan is more important because of the structure of the club."
-Jose Mourinho; source: Inside Futbol
And speaking of amazing contracts, what about Falcao, the man who has to waste his life luxuriating in abject poverty in front of a relatively tiny audience in that horrendously awful place known as the French Riviera?
"I have a team, but I do not have Falcao. Falcao, he has no team. [Yet] I think it's impossible [to make a move for him]. [But] a great player can not play in front of 3,000 spectators."
-Jose Mourinho; source: Canal+ via Here is the City
As far as I can tell, these Falcao quotes come from the jokey off the cuff remarks, but it is a bit challenging to navigate the French waters without any actual knowledge of French (unlike, Mourinho, who seems to be having no such problems).
I did find both original (I think) Canal+ videos, so if there are any enterprising French-speaking members in the audience who'd like to help me out, that'd be grand. Here's the main interview (six minutes) and the "Mourinho Show" informal segment (one minute and change).
The message seems clear however: we're probably not getting any of these three