On Saturday, the Mirror's editorial staff found a discarded palantír at Blackfriars station. It was a bit chipped, covered in shimmering goo, and smelled like burning
bullshit cow dung. Undeterred - for Queen and journalism! - the future Pulitzer prize-winning editor retrieved the crystal ball. As Kevin told you, it then revealed its important message: "John Terry is considering a shock international return." At that point, the ball started emitting a strange humming noise and promptly vanished in a puff of funky odors. I don't think I need to tell you just what it smelled like.
The next day, over at the Telegraph, another future Pulitzer prize-winning editor sat sadly in his office. The nightly deadline was approaching and he still had not filed anything. The pile of chewed-off fingernails was starting to reach a measurable height. He needed a miracle. Suddenly, what ho!? A strange humming noise. Bob, is that you? Ed? Jaime, you rascal, stop it! Mom? Mom!?
After confirming that it was indeed not coming from the voices inside his head, he got a tiny bit excited. He had heard rumors of the teleporting palantír before but since those were never confirmed by Sky Sports, he simply could not bring himself to believe them. The first prairie-strong whiff of that oft-mentioned funky odor however made him a true believer. Free bullshit! I'm saved!
However, Terry is believed to stand by comments he made at the start of this month, when he said: "That door is closed for me. I am really happy with the way I'm playing for Chelsea. I'm just enjoying my football for Chelsea at the moment."
As you were then.