The Times print all the conjecture that's fit to print regarding Wayne Rooney

I WANT TO SERVE WITH YOU AT VINDOBONA! - Laurence Griffiths

Thanks to the fact that none of our three strikers scored a goal on Thursday, fresh Wayne Rooney rumors are making the rounds today. Fresh like the morning flowers in a minefield of cow pies. There's a faint whiff of something nice in there, but it's mostly shit.

So here's Oliver Kay with the "news." You may remember Ollie from his ground-shaking exposé on Qatari conspiracies. I can't wait for that Dream Football League to start either!

The England forward remains extremely unsettled and is prepared to consider submitting a written transfer request to try to engineer a move to Chelsea.

That's some mighty strong stuff right there. Prepared to consider! I've done that once before, too, but then I just took a nap.

Chelsea had a £23 million offer for Rooney rejected last month, but, as The Times reported on Monday, the London club plan to make a second bid after next weekend, by which time the forward’s position could feasibly have been weakened by a hostile reception from fans at their pre-season matches.

Ah yes, the ol' trial by the fickle mob. Isn't this the system the Romans used to determine Gladiatorial contests? Will Rooney get a the "turn of the thumb" and die a glorious death in the mind-arena of Manchester United supporters, thus allowing him to receive his Chelsea rudis from Emperor Julius Secundus Maximourinhus? Or will he have to continue sharing a dark, dank dungeon with Rio Ferdinand?

If you know what's good for you, you've managed to make it this far without picturing Wayne Rooney in a loincloth. Except now you have. Ha ha!

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