The Green Street Journal's incredible Ashley Cole video is the gift that keeps on giving. And by gift I mean .giffed. TO THE MOVING PICTURES AND ASSOCIATED WORDS!
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Ashley Cole's neck smells goooood. Like a leatherworker's just gone to a manliness convention, yet still somehow elegant beyond words. Hints of cinnamon. It is like dream.
Ashley rides the world's slowest merry-go-round.
Ok, Ash. Pose casual. Yes, like that. Spread your legs, that's right. Show me sexy! Yes! Make love to the camera! Majestique! WAIT. THOSE EYES. THEY ARE NOT YOUR LOVING EYES. THIS IS NOT LOVEMAKING. I QUIT.
What Ashley Cole looks like when he stands near Wayne Rooney during anthems, trying not to imbibe of his teammate's various odours.
Ashley Cole tests out his advanced prototype wingsuit. Will he be able to fly?
He will not. Crushing disappointment for Ashley Cole. He really wanted to fly today.
This makes him rather distressed. Ashley Cole contemplates flight, the skies, and man's fate, bound here on this earth. At least there are daffodils. The thought helps prevent him from crying.
The irony of the lettering on his wings soon cheers him up.
£50K a week?
Who are Arsenal kidding?
I love cherry trees
Mr. Fluffy? Oh, he's fine, as long as you give him something to chew on. I fed him an intern just now so he'll be happy for an hour or two before needing to taste raw flesh once more. Lovely fellow, Mr. Fluffy.
Wait, what do you mean, 'feeding interns to dogs is illegal'? Have you seen what the Guardian does to their interns? We paid Max and everything, and the exposure is worth it for his future. This is the modern age, my friends.
Ash calls this move 'the head twist eyebrow dance'. He's a fairly literal man, is Ash.
How do you feel when Gunners fans are mean to you on Twitter, Ashley?
And what is your opinion on the FA? Laughs? Yes, a bunch of laughs.
"NOW I'M NAKED."
"I'm just a boy whose intentions are goooooood
Lord! Please don't let me be
caught this time misunderstood."
"Curses. I've accidentally tied a Chelsea scarf to my arm and I can't get it off. I'll just act casual for a little so nobody sees how freaked out I am..."
"...ok, that's enough waiting. HELP ME JOHN TERRY FOR I AM TRAPPED."