A few weeks ago I went to the hair salon to prop up my amazing afro, while there I got talking to this Russian guy who was wearing some funky blue Raybans despite being indoors. He left a little booklet behind, which among other things, had this in it.
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
That guttural sound in the morning, could only mean one thing. It was that time of the year once again. The project was once again ready to move forward. It hasn't been an easy road, but step IIVX was now about to start. It feels just like yesterday that I executed step 1: Asklepios; Having to show the door to so many familiar faces wasn't easy. Using a scalpel to take vital organs out of something is never easy, despite knowing is for their good. When this something is of such an importance, every last drop of blood that falls onto the operating table, feels like a hot coal being dropped in my lungs.
step B: Calvary; hurt in a different way; watching the fruit of your loins struggle along, when you know you have the resources to make the suffering stop, but just can't in order to comply impositions made by people that are higher than you, despite at the same time being much lower than you will ever be; is an atrocious feeling. I have now made it through to the final stretch, just one last push and I'll make it.
Step IIVX: Grafting
We have sown the seeds for those trees that will feed us for years to come, and purged ourselves from most of those tools whose weights were making our feet hurt. What comes next is best compared to alchemy. I need a combination that will lead me to create the philosopher stone. Create a team that turns all they touch into gold.
The alchemist in charge of mixing the ingredients will be revealed in time. At this time he is not important. What matter is getting the right ingredients into his lab.
Simplicity makes perfection an easier target. This can be seen in the equations that explain most of the universe; they are elegant to look at. Very few terms but each single one immeasurably important. From these equations is from where I'm drawing inspiration.
The principle is simple;
- At least two players for every position:
- None should be identical in the set of skills they bring to team (unless Mata has secret twin brother we don't yet know about).
- There should be no significant drop in quality from one player to the other. Players must all be:
§ If young: Very high potential (i.e. KDB)
§ If mid 20's must have already shown consistent elite quality.(i.e. Mikel)
§ If in 30's must have been world-class and show no significant decrease in abilities. Must still be above average when compared to other players in his position. Decreased playing ability will be compensated with experience/leadership skills
- The future must not be disregarded. This kind of project can only be undertaken once per every sighting of Halley's Comet.
- Only two assumptions will be made with regards formation: backline of 4 and lone striker.
- £100m is all its needed
As I get up from my bed this morning the situation is as follows*:
*as always, I took the important decisions before going to bed.
My reasoning is the following:
Current squad changes
A lot of people seem to forget that he was brought here as a third-choice goalkeeper. As such I think he is very adequate.
Ross Turnbull release
Turnbull in the other hand was brought here in order to be the second GK, he has failed miserably at that and now sits behind the guy who came as a third-choice.
Paulo Ferreira Released
John Ray once said "beauty is power; a smile is its sword" and by that logic, dear Paulo Ferreira is the Jammie Lannister (pre-chopped hand) of Chelsea. That said, all good things come to an end and Paulo's time at Chelsea is over. Now go and get those coaching badges a.s.a.p. I gave you the vouchers as birthday present, so there is no excuse.
Ryan Bertrand Sell £7m
He is a decent player. He is good at: tackling, passing, reading the game, etc. but he is great at nothing. Giving that Cole has one year left, his replacement should start to settle into the squad. Bertie in my eyes is never going to reach the level required. And I really, really don't like the way he runs and I hate that he has the turning circle of Merielles.
I hope to get £7 of him taking into account the English tax (it must also be in place when we're selling, right?) and the fact that he is now an international.
Marko Marin Loan
He never did anything to deserve to be called the German Messi (apart from being short) but he certainly was not as bad, as he has been on his first season at Chelsea. I suggest a loan in the PL, to see if we can reignite the talent the boy has in him so we can at least get our money back.
Fernando Torres Sell £10m
Right, if Liverpool is being able to flog Carroll for £15m, I'm sure we can sell our European-golden-boot-winner Fernando for a reasonable £10m, after he scored +20 goals. The reasons for his sale are: this might be our only chance! He might return to being really, really bad instead of... whatever the hell he is now. I also need to free space in the wage bill for my new centre forward (suspense music...)
Released: Turnbull, Ferreira, Benayoun & Malouda
Sold: Bertand &Torres
Mark Schwarzer (A.K.A die Australische) Free transfer (£ 3 m salary)
His quality is in no doubt, he would bring back something close to the days when we had Cudoccini and Cech (basically no risking an aneurism every time Cech takes a second too many to get up after a corner).
Why would he come? you say. Well, he is old, and has never won anything. This is his big chance; also given that he is a capable keeper, we would be able to rest Petr way more often. I would expect around 20 matches from him. He would be our FA cup and COCup keeper. A very nice way to retire, if you ask me.
Fabio Coentrao (A.K.A El Figo das Caxinas) £17 m
I see him as the player to take over Cole as the year goes along rather than as his backup. His style of playing is very similar to that of Ashley and given that he hasn't had the best of year at Real, and no one wants him there anymore. I'm sure we can get a pretty good discount on his signature.
Van Ginke (A.K.A Ginkeltje) £8.5m
One for the future, the boy has shown great skills so far. I would loan him straight away to a higher league (Germany/ Spain/ England) for one year all with a look at him coming in 2015 and fighting for a place with...
Thiago Alcantara (A.K.A esta fue una muy mala idea) £15.5m
This player, at this price would be the bargain of the century. That and the fact, that he happens to have all the skills, we desperately need in the centre of the pitch, makes this move the easiest one of them all. (I just hope the whole release clause history from Marca is true)
Lazar Markovic (A.K.A Човек без надимком) £12m
This Czechs boy is also one for the future. But unlike van Ginke, this one is staying. I don't believe for a second that we have too many people to play in the band of 3. I spent a fortune in the Bengal tiger placenta that was needed to keep mazacar going for so many matches. And there is no bloody chance that my heart can take many more moments, like those when the homeless guy made it into the pitch.
Before I forget, he is FAST! we need someone who can challenge Ramires in running competitions I introduced for training. Kenyans are meant to be good at marathons, not sprinting! Everyone at the club is fed up of him always winning; they even tried swapping his shoes with Torres' hoping he would fall on his face mid race.
André Schürrle (A.K.A Bruchweg Boy) £22m
The German brings things we don't have in our attaching third: height, power, willingness to shoot on sight and he is German (the team must always have a German, I made a bet with Vettel. As long as I keep Germans in team, he keeps doing the silly jump when he wins)
Edinson Cavani (A.K.A El Matador) £47m
We have been able to feel our cheekbone quota every season since I've been here, but now that Malouda is leaving, we will fall just under it. NOT UNDER MY WATCH! So Cavani will fix that. There is also the fact that he is a pretty amazing footballer. I was talking to this Colombian guy with a massive blond afro but puzzlingly jet-black mustache and eyebrows and he say he was even better than Falcao. No one with that hair would be a liar.
Bought: Schwarzer, Coentrao,van Ginkel, Markovic, Cavani, Thiago & Schurle.
Sent straight out on loan: van Ginkel & Markovic
Many will have noticed the lack of a new CB. The reason for this is simple. I believe that Terry, despite the fact; that half of this bones are held in place with duck-tape and needs WD-40 applied to all his joints before every match. He still is a very capable defender. More so now that he has finally retired form international football and will have a proper rest for the first time in the last decade.
The players on loan
To be called back:
Given his age, I think its best he comes and plays with the reserves so we can a have a better look at him. Also, he can serve as a back up to Azpi. This instance can be reassessed once the winter window opens again.
I was planning to sell him, but his daddy said that he can play for a bit longer as he's done his homework already, so he stays. His versatility will become useful as the season wears on.
Anything, so that we don't have any more "Hobo-time" in this team. Also I think he is ready for the squad. He will be able to rotate with the players of the band of three, resulting in not considerable drop in quality. He also brings competition; it's very dangerous for players to start thinking they will be played regardless of performance.
To be sold
It's the best for his career and the club. At this time it looks very unlikely that we will offer him a new contract after the one he is on now. At this point in time he will still command a decent fee and he will be better served by having a team to call his own.
Ledley King had dodgy knees, but dear hutch has rusty door hinges instead of knees. Let him retire and become part of the youth set up at Chelsea before we have to see something unpalatable in the field.
To be sent back on Loan
As it happens, Fulham just happen to need a quality GK these days ;-). I'm one of the ones who believes, that he would benefit more from having a season in the PL before moving to Chelsea, than from playing a few matches in the CL with Atletico.
Last time he had a loan at a PL club, rumours has it he was a naughty boy and that's why he didn't play much. He seems to have sort out his character, so let's give him another crack at the whip and see what comes of it.
He showed enough last year to earn himself an opportunity at a club in the PL league. The destination is best to be decided close to the end of the transfer window, so we don't have another case of MaEachran-at-Boro where they sign a very good player on his position.
Vitesse just happen to have sold their versatile midfielder, maybe it's a good place for little Hazard.
One last change in the PL or should be sold
With Cavani here, he's better served with a loan until we manage to offload Ba for a decent fee. Everton would be a good place as things stand right now.
Sold: Bruma & Davila
Promoted to the first team: Wallace, Essien & KDB
Sent back out on Loan: Courtois, PvA, Chalobah, McEachran, Thorgan, Kakuta & Lukaku.
The rest of the on loan players will also be sent on loan. With their destinations to be decided once the transfer window has given more details on the state of their target clubs.
We would end up with following team, having done the following transactions:
well that was the part of the booklet that concerned this site. there were chapters on how to win a multibillion court case in the UK and how to get a super-model wife (in both cases, have a lot more money than both you're competing against)
PD I'm aware, some of the moves are not longer possible. but they were a week ago when i got the book, so deal with it ;)
Do comment away, I'll do my best to share all the knowledge I got while bleaching my hair.