Unsurprisingly, Jose Mourinho's press conference on Monday was boring. Well, unsurprisingly for anyone familiar with introductory press conferences. The manager was asked boring questions and gave mundane answers, because that's the whole point.
But there were some disappointed with the utter lack of spectacle. If you're one of those people, fear not. We have an alternative reality press conference. It's not the one we need, but it is the one we deserve. Take it away, Jose!
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We all remember your first press conference. Are you still a special one?
No, I have become less special in the past six years. On account of managing Inter Milan and Real Madrid, which are tiny clubs who only hire non-special managers.
You fell out with Roman Abramovich. How did the relationship get patched up?
African or European?
I was replying to your tired, played out question with a tired, played-out reference. Ask better questions.
If they're good enough to play for Chelsea, they'll play for Chelsea. I mean, have you seen Lukaku? Dude looks like all of you idiots glued together. Except, you know, talented. And Kevin de Bruyne is brilliant. You'd have noticed this if you paid attention to the Bundesliga. Which you didn't.
What system do you envision using for next year?
This is a question you ask managers who don't know what they're doing.
Is Juan Mata part of your plans?
[gasps] So he will be sold?
Juan! To me! [Juan Mata teleports into the room] Erase these incompetents! [Mata blinks; erasing everyone who was going to ask something stupid. Mourinho grins] Juan Mata isn't part of my plans, fools! Juan Mata IS my plans! [Mata and Mourinho teleport away together. There are fireworks and explosions and loud guitar riffs. Far away, Andres Iniesta feels fear gnawing at his innards.]
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Wouldn't that have been better?