I’m back home. This is where I belong, this is where I have always belonged and my fellow blue companions, I am finally back home. There is an old cliché, and I am a firm believer in it, "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it was never was" – The Great DMX uttered these words, and if you don’t take DMX’s words as gospel, then what are you really doing with your life?
Leaving Stamford Bridge made me learn a lot, there were ups and downs, more ups than downs of course, because I am The Special One after all and failure is not really something that is in my DNA. My time at Inter Milan was special and I made a lot of lasting memories and conjured relationships that will last forever. Our treble winning season was something of sheer brilliance and it was the result of hard work, motivation and sheer will. After all, according to some douchenozzle that I completely owned in the Champions League Final, I think his name was
Louis of No Balls, I mean Louis Van Gaal, when asked if the two best sides in Europe were in the final, he said, "No, these are not the best teams. The three best teams in Europe this season were Barcelona, Chelsea and Manchester United." Well, guess what then, your team, who according to you is one of the three best teams in Europe, couldn’t score a goal against my Inter and ultimately, only one of us were able to call ourselves The Champions of Europe and it wasn’t you. I am now the youngest ever manager to have won the biggest competition twice and only the third to do it with two different clubs. Oh yeah, those three teams Gaal mentioned, crowning them as the three best teams in Europe, we beat each and every one of them on our way to that Cup. I bet you feel pretty stupid now, douchebucket.
So, I left for Real Madrid after winning the treble, at the time, they looked like the only team that really wanted me and I wanted to become the first manager ever to win the Champions League with three different clubs. What better place to accomplish that than Real Madrid? Unfortunately, I was unable to accomplish my goal after bowing out of the competition in the semi-finals three years in a row. It was quite obviously disappointing and the Spanish media crucified me and I quickly became The Sad One. My family were threatened, I was on edge every day. I was not comfortable at all with how my life was becoming a circus. Even though I won the league (WITH A 100 POINT TALLY!!) and Copa del Rey (FIRST COPA DEL REY TRIUMPH IN 20 YEARS FOR THE CLUB). Unfortunately, those two trophies, along with a Spanish Super Cup, I was deemed as a failure. One of the worst coaches in Madrid history, they said. The job was too big for me they said. Calderon stated I have the worst record of any Real Madrid manager who has had three years or more to manage the club.
Of course, I am not happy with "almost" getting to the Champions League finals three years in a row, but the fact that we got to the semi-finals three years in a row should say quite a lot about the team I built. However, one of the defeats came down to penalties against Bayern Munich where after being tied on aggregate and no goals coming in extra time, the game was forced to go to penalties and we lost. What am I to do about that? I cannot kick the penalties for my players, it is sheer luck and a guessing game to anybody. We were denied a place in the finals due to a game of chance, and the year before that we got knocked out by quite possibly the best team in world football, and this year Robert Lewandowski slaughtered my team to the degree that we needed a miracle in the second leg to have a chance. Even though, we came close in the end to pulling off that miracle, it just wasn’t enough. Once again, I got chastised in the media and I knew it was time, I didn’t deserve the treatment I was receiving and neither did my family. It was time to go back home and complete the dream and set history with the club that showed me the most love and support I have ever felt anywhere sans with my family. It may be a cliché, but Chelsea is my family and always will be family and I want to do special things and win trophies for the fans that gave me the love and support I have been missing since I left.
Now that I am back, it’s time to trim the squad and make the required additions to compete at the highest level no matter what the competition, no matter what the day, because I am here to win EVERYTHING. I am here to restore the Bridge to the fortress it once was. I am here to cement my place in the Chelsea history books. I AM THE SPECIAL ONE!
GET OFF MY LAWN!
Florent Malouda, Yossi Benayoun, Ross Turnbull, Henrique Hilario, Paolo Ferriera, Sam Hutchinson, Milan Lalkovic. Thank you for service but your contracts will not be renewed. Get on, git, skedaddle. Paolo you are the only one welcome back in a coaching capacity, we can talk later.
Young bloods getting experience
Josh McEachran – Son, you have shown glimpses of real quality and I hope I can integrate you into the squad fairly soon but for now, you really need some polishing and the only way to do that is more playing time. Unfortunately, you’re just not gonna get much of that here. I’m sending you to a more competitive league and a better team than Middlesbrough. You need to really step up and be consistent with them, or else, how are you gonna be an asset to me? I have contacted several teams that I feel have need for a quality central midfield, Norwich and Everton top the list and Everton have shown more of an interest and have an easier route for you to enter the fray. They will be losing Phil Neville and Maroune Fellaini, leaving Ross Barkley, Pienaar, Gibson and Leon Osman as their four first choice midfielders. Barkley is still quite young and raw even though he has loads of potential, you can make your mark there and they are a consistent top 8 team in the Premier League. If you can show us that you can make a name for yourself there, then you will be ready for the big boys and begin to make an impact at Stamford Bridge. We’re all pulling for you, Josh, we know you can do it. Now get out there and win yourself a starting job!
Marko Marin- Unfortunately, injuries and piss-poor performances when given the opportunity has made your first year at Chelsea an absolute disaster. I’m not ready to completely give up on you. I have seen you play in Germany and have seen signs that you can get the job done. You just need to stay healthy and get on the pitch to showcase your skills. I cannot have you around knowing that there’s a chance you will just rot away on the bench or on the reserves. I need you to go somewhere that will you see consistent minutes and I need you to walk around with a helmet and shin pads so you don’t break any bones while you’re not on pitch. I mean, seriously Marko, are you made of glass? Stay healthy, earn yourself some minutes and maybe you can convince me to keep you around here. I called up Crystal Palace and they are in need of some wide players to stretch the field with Zaha off to United and are willing to take you on for the season. This is your chance to show me why I should keep you around.
Thorgan Hazard – Your loan spell turned out to be exceptional and I think it is clear you are ready for a step up in competition. I want you to experience life out of Belgium and how different the game is, so Anderlecht will not be the destination I choose for you. I think Vitesse sounds like a good landing destination for you, especially since Kakuta will be leaving them now. They could really use your skillset.
Wallace – You have a bright future ahead of you young, Wallace. Vitesse actually called me and want you to be their direct replacement to Kalas. They have been good to us and will even be selling us one of their young midfielders so I am happy with this destination for you. Vitessse will provide you with everything you need to be successful.
Jhon Pirez- I don’t know who you are so you can go ahead pick the team you would like to play for and I will comply, as long they believe that you are real.
Lucas Piazon- Ah, Lucas. Guess what? Malaga just sold Joaquin so it appears as though there is an opening for you. I am comfortable with keeping you at Malaga for the rest of the reason and see you flourish in the hole Joaquin has left.
Thibaut Courtois- One more year at Athletico, Thibaut. Gain yourself some Champions League experience, win yourself another Zamora award, you will be our starting keeper for years to come.
Kevin De Bryune – I like you, Kevin, I really do. But this is business and I have the chance to acquire someone in a position of great need and you must be part of the deal to get it done. BVB are a great team and you will be working under a fantastic manager in Jurgen Klopp. You’re in good hands, Kevin and you will come back here a much better, much more complete player.
Romelu Lukaku – This will probably be your last loan spell and I am going to include a recall clause in January. Swansea need a pure striker and they will also be in the Europa League. Tear it up, son. Show me you can bring the heat two years in a row in the Premier League and you will be my #9 for years. I have complete faith in you.
Kalas- I think it’s time for you to see how you fair in a tougher league. I’m gonna send you to Sunderland and see how you fare in the Premier League. I think you are ready.
Kane – Stay at Blackburn.
PvA- Vitesse want you back and they have agreed to sell us two players as well so keep going and keep doing what you’re doing.
Matej Delac - You could use a more aggressive loan and Millwall gave us a ring and are interested in taking you on a season long loan and feel like you can become their first choice keeper. Good luck to you there, Matej.
Kenneth Omeruo – I was impressed with your performances in the African Cup of Nations and I think you will be one for the future without a doubt. I reached an agreement with Hamburger to take you on a season long loan.
George Saville – Middlesbrough came calling and we answered. Enjoy it there and help them seek promotion.
Ulises Davila – Osasuna are in dire need of some goal scoring threats and creative play. They want you to inject some youth and passion into their team and I think it will be good experience for you.
Patrick Bamford – Watford need someone to partner Deeney with Vydra’s loan from Udinese over and his desire to play in the Premier League could lead to a sale or another loan elsewhere. Stay healthy, Patrick, and show us what you can do at Watford.
Andreas Christensen – Enjoy Portugal for the season, Andreas. Porto is a fantastic club that will treat you well.
Nathan Ake- It’s time for more than just an appearance here and there for you. You need time on the pitch and lots of it and at a higher level. We’re sending you to Watford in hopes of you getting the minutes Nathaniel got.
Nathaniel Chalobah- We probably would have kept you at Watford had they received promotion but unfortunately they did not. We want you to get Premier League experience and we have found a great destination for you where you really thrive and showcase your skills. Can you play at a cold night in Stoke? We think so, go on and boss that midfield. Chalo goes to Stoke on a season long loan.
Gael Kakuta- I’m sick of yous. You can go ahead and find yourself a new home. There’s simply no room for you and loan after loan is just delaying the inevitable. Rennes have called with an offer of 4.5 million pounds and we accepted. Thank you for your services to the club. Good luck to you.
Jeffrey Bruma – I’m afraid there is simply no room for you, son. PSV Eindhoven are interested in your services and they are looking to buy, not loan. They came with with a bid of 3 million initially, we felt you had some more value and after some negotiations they agreed on 5.5 million. We wish you the best.
Fernando Torres- I’ll give you credit for trying. HAHAHAHA, sike, no really, you suck dude. I don’t want you here and I’m glad someone was willing to take on your stupid wages. Apparently, Rafa Benitez really likes you for some reason unbeknownst to me and every other human being on the face of this earth but he really really likes you. I was only able to get 10 million but shit, I was expecting far less so excuse me while I pop this bottle and call over some strippers for a little celebration.
Michael Essien – We had a good time in Madrid, Ess. This is nothing against you, it’s strictly business and we need to cash in while we can so we can re-invest. You showed good form while on loan at Madrid and a bid of 10 million has come in from Inter Milan and we have no choice but to accept. Thank you for all your hard work, you can always stop by for dinner. I’ll leave a plate out for you, son. I love you. Stay safe.
Billy Clifford- I don’t see you ever even coming close to the first team. We should just cut our losses now. Sold for 1 million to Colchester.
Sam Walker- Highest bidder goes to Scunthorpe United, congratulations! 500,000 pounds.
So Right now we have 131.5 million pound kitty to work with, let’s see what we can do to strengthen the squad.
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Luka Modric- Yeah, that’s right. Those ungrateful bitches at Madrid will regret treating me the way they did. It doesn’t hurt that I’m flipping off Daniel Levy at the same time with this purchase too. HAHAHA this is so glorious. Luka Modric is coming to where he belongs, where he wanted to go from the beginning. Flo, I’m back for some more of my friends and Luka doesn’t like you either so it’s time for you to clear out the "bad eggs" because I’m about to make the best omelet the world has ever seen. Luka, good things come to those who wait, it’s not your fault Daniel Levy was a class A douchefart, but now you are donning the Blue shirt you have been waiting for. Luka Modric will be bought for a nice 25 million pounds. Suck it, Levy!
Neven Subotic- Remarkable central defender that will pair up with David Luiz and form a frightening partnership. This is why I needed to send KdB to BVB on loan and it is going to be worth it for years to come. Because I included KdB, Dortmund agreed to 20 million for Subotic.
Andre Schurrle- 22 million pounds and Andre Schurrle is now rocking Chelsea Blue. A versatile hybrid winger/striker that will only make this team more dynamic. Welcome aboard, Andre.
Marco Van Ginkel – A young, dynamic, versatile, midfielder that can do it all? For 10 million? Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his ass with a rabbit? Yes, please and thank you very much.
Wilfried Bony – Do we need Falcao? No. Do we need Lewandowski? No. Do we need Cavani? No. Would it be nice to have one of them? Sure, of course. Is it worth breaking the bank for them? No. Wilfried Bony is a fantastic striker and quite frankly can do the job without a problem at all. Since we have such a fantastic relationship with Vitesse, and we loaned them Thorgan, Wallace and PvA back, they agreed to 12.5 million for Bony. If you’re not convinced about Bony, first let’s take a look at his stats in the past 3 seasons:
2012/2013: 37 goals; 10 assists
2011/2012: 18 goals; 8 assists
2010/2011: 20 goals (he transferred to Vitessse in the middle of the season and only played 7 games in the Eredivisie scoring 3 goals in the process. He played 14 games in the Gambrinus Leauge this season and netted10 goals, then added 2 goals in 4 games in UEFA CL Qualification.)
MOU WANTS YOU!
Luke Shaw – One for the future no doubt. At 17 years old he’s already the starting LB for a Premier League team. We’ll send him right back on loan to Southampton to further his development since Ashley and Bertrand can hold the fort down for now but Shaw will be Ashley’s successor soon enough. After long negotiations, Southampton agreed to a 15.5 million pound fee for the young left back.
Eliaquim Mangala – A 22 year old versatile defender that can play CB and LB. We need defensive reinforcements, John Terry only has one leg and is far from the world beater he once was. Subotic is going to help in that regard but we need quality depth and the fact that he can also play LB is bonus. Porto were willing to part ways with Mangala for 11.5 million pounds and in return will receive Andreas Christensen on loan.
Burak Yilmaz – With Torres off the books, Lukaku on loan, Bony recently purchased, we need more than just 2 strikers on the books. Yilmaz has a fantastic scoring record and he can be had for 15 million. Just take a look at his performances in the past 3 seasons (not including his work with his country):
2012/13: 32 goals; 9 assists
2011/2012: 35 goals; 9 assists
2010/2011: 20 goals; 4 assists
ONE PLAYER COMES IN ON LOAN TO FILL A HOLE
Joel- He recently took Ali Al-Habsi’s job as starting GK for Wigan. Joel is actually on loan from Atletico Madrid. He just got done putting in some great performances in the Premier League. We have done Atletico a favor by loaning them Courtois for a couple seasons so why not give us Joel for this season to backup Cech? We won’t need to worry about signing a long-term back up GK for at least another year and Joel as shown he is more than competent in the Premier League. On top that, it gives us more money to strengthen other areas of the pitch. After all, this loan is what let us strengthen our midfield the way he have and worry about spending cash on a backup GK.
I PRSENT TO YOU THE NEW CHELSEA FC!
GK: Petr Cech, Joel
RB: Cesar Azpi, Ivanovic
WINGERS/ATTACKING MID: Hazard, Mata, Oscar, Schurle, Moses, Ramires
ST: Bony, Yilmaz, Ba
Starting Line up 4-3-3
Starting Line up 4-2-3-1
Alternate Line up 4-2-3-1
Alternate Line up 4-3-3
WE WILL KNOW WHAT WE ARE AGAIN WITH THIS SQUAD!
I tried to go outside the box and bring in a name not a lot of heard of (Mangala) and bring in a player on loan which we almost never do. Adding two strikers might seem as excessive but since I got rid of Torres magically, we now have 3 competent, legitimate strikers to carry us for the whole season and gives us so much flexibility and different formations to work with.
(holy shit that was 3,500 words, I haven’t written that much since my college days).
(also, forgive me, I wrote this entire thing while at work so if I have some errors etc. it's because I got distracted)