WAGNHSSS - My Attempted Journey To The Front Page

Mike Hewitt


"What? You won't sign me?"

The WAGNH tower always had snakes. Huge serpents. Bigger than those in my backyard pond they call the Amazon River. And here's one unleashed at us. At me, at you, and at you, at everybody. (You don't have a right to live if you didn't read it in his voice.) What's that snake called? It's the WAGNHSSSSSSS, WAGNHSSS, for short. What does this snake do then? This snake incepts our thoughts and plants seeds of new thoughts that force us to write a FanPost on the latest Stevie Schmidt contest. I have my life's biggest engineering entrance exam so far in a week and I'm here writing this. Hats off to you, Steve, for enticing us all with your serpent.

The question arises, what would I do if Roman hands over his yacht's keys to me? No, I certainly would be able to fight off the temptation to sell it. I just might do something productive and trade it for the key to managing the silly season, aka the transfer window. And as Steve says, let's assume Roman's Spanish waiter hands over the 100M GBP to me. Now it's time for some fun.

Every time I play as a manager on FIFA and FM, I look forward to the transfer window. I have always adopted a Wenger-like approach like everyone else does, but given the situation in real life, I would have to adapt my strategy quite a bit to reflect the reality of reality. An ideal transfer window splurge would be if all gaping holes in the squad are covered, a prospect or two bought for development and future needs and most importantly, being economical yet efficient, as the money saved could be used in areas like academy development, etc..

As for the gaping holes part, I would not go and buy players that just suit the role, I would rather buy one who's the right blend between suiting the role and complementing the other players. Also, I would first go about clearing out those who don't fit my plans.

Who's heading out :

A) Fernando Torres.

He just has to go. Eats a huge slice of the wage bill, sticks around as an albatross on Chelsea and Roman's neck. I was highly jubilant when he scored each and every of his Chelsea goals, mostly because each of them adds a few thousand pounds to his market value. Coming off a 20-goal season, I doubt he would struggle to find many offers. There's rumoured interest from Naples and Florence and Rome. I hope Monaco are willing to take a punt at him if Falcao doesn't arrive. I can, however rule out PSG and Anzhi because they already have Kung Zlatan and Eto'o and Lacina respectively. If he goes, I'm expecting no more than 10M as transfer fees.

2) Florent Malouda and Yossi Benayoun.

FloMo, our Ladies Man, remains a great servant at the club. He was a mainstay of Ancelotti's double winning machismos. Sadly, he declined faster than Kiwomya's sprinting and now must see the door. Thanks Flo. As for Yossi, our Zohan Dvir, he has been anything but Zohan levels of awesome at Chelsea. Apart from keeping Torres and Benitez entertained, he has done nothing else of remotely having any value. Bye bye Hobo. Combined for them, I shall expect a mammoth 0 Pounds as I'll be happy to clear their wages.

D) Marko Marin:

The German Messi has failed to grab minutes even off Yossi, so that means he's been pretty bad, right? Off for 3M GBP to any willing taker.

Belly-Dance) Demba Ba.

Yes, I'd move him on. Amazing movement but has shown very poor finishing in his short Chelsea tenure. Has shown sparks like his goals against the Manchester clubs. But he's easily upgradeable. If a club comes up and is willing to pay me what we paid for him, I'll cash in. 7M it is.

7) Turnbull, Hilario and Ferreira.

These players are having their contracts run out, and none shall be renewed. Thanks for your great service lads. Thanks for your incomparable awesomeness Paulo.

Alpha) Thibaut Courtois.

I'll let him remain at Atletico Madrid.

49) Piazon and Wallace.

These Brazilian wonderkids are potentially top-drawer players. I'll send Piazon back to Malaga and Wallace to Vitesse on loan.

T-Rex) Thorgan Hazard, Todd Kane, Nathan Ake, RLC, Lalkovic, Bamford, Tomas Kalas, Bruma.

All out on loan. Thor to Anderlecht. Toddy to DPeezy's House a newly promoted PL club which needs an amazing RB. Ake, Lalko, Kalas, Jeffrey to lower table PL clubs. RLC, Patrick to the Championship.

17) Chalobah and McEachran.

Chalo continues his loan spell with Watford and Lord Zola if they get promoted. If they don't, find him some other PL club. McEachran joining Chalo with the Lord of Carragher trolling.

Speaking of Chalobah, see this :


And so that JMac isn't left alone sad, here's his bit of magic.


Elephant) Kakuta.

This kid deserves a chance at Chelsea, but we all know it won't come. So it's best to let him go and try to get himself a good career and playing time. If clubs are willing and sensible, I expect around 1.5M in exchange for him. Else I'm ready to let him go for free because I won't let my greed spoil his career.

Internal Squad Additions:

A) Kevin de Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku

Both represent a significant upgrade to the current squad. I'll make them stay and fight it off for the starting spot.

2) Matej Delac.

As any good Chelsea DoF should do, I read Stevie's Loan Round-ups and seemingly Delac has shown himself to be good enough to be backup to Cech. No work permit issues as well as now Croatia is an EU member(or will be soon, I not sure).

Who's Coming In:

My main areas marked for improvement shall be the Central Defence, Central Midfield, Striker and some quality depth. The budget I have in hand : 120M GBP.

A) Thiago Alcantara.

Fills a need. An amazing bargain if the reports of his buyout are true. For more, read Stevie's article on him. Expected Cost: 18M.

2) Alexander Song.

An amazing player who has looked out of sort and out of favour at Barcelona. Barca Blaugranes Manager and a sane Barca supporter, Arron Duckling believes that Barca would be very willing to let go of him. While he doesn't fill an immediate need, he just "might: be an upgrade over Mikel and if not, then high quality midfield depth as he can play as a DLP, DM and a pivot partner. Expected Cost: 10M.

D) Andre Schurrle.

Another product of the amazing German system of recent years. Brilliant footballer and will be a very, very good rotation player with our band-of-three. Expected Cost: 22M.

Belly-Dance) Edin Dzeko.

With City already having a plethora of stikers, I hope they don't mind me sneaking the Bosnian out of their club. Will be my club's second striker alongwith Lukaku. Proven finisher and aerial threat. Expected Cost:: 20M

7) Luke Shaw.

One of the best LBs in the PL at the tender age of 17-18. He's a Chelsea fan as well. No brainer of a decision. Expected Cost: 10M

Alpha) Marquinhos.

Immediate CB upgrade. Amazing player. Very Young. Very costly. Expected Cost:30M

Well, that'd be all my transfer dealings. Hope you liked it. If you did, let the appreciation known in the comments section and the rec-count. If you didn't like it however, vent the displeasure in the comments section and if feasible we can strike a good discussion,

Cheers to all you men, women and Kevin Kostkas of the world. Have a great day.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any sort of approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions held by the editors of this site.

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