We Ain't Got No End of Season Survey!

Mike Hewitt

Ten questions. Ten writers. One season.

1. SUM UP THE SEASON IN ONE WORD

Lamin. Ugh. Graham. Over. Devin. Done. Aidan. Bearable. Kevin. Torture. Steve. Over. Jack. Bastard. Tim. Crazy-fun. Karan. Vituperative. DP. Rafalution.

2. BEST MOMENT

Aidan and I went personal, with matches we attended in person away to Manchester United and at home to West Ham United, respectively.

Steve appreciated the full-time whistle at Villa Park the most, the one that confirmed Chelsea's participation in next year's Champions League. Graham chose Oscar's gift from the gods, Kevin chose the Europa Cup, while everybody else went with Frank Lampard's 203rd.

3. WORST MOMENT

So many to choose from, Graham and Lamin simply couldn't decide. Others chimed in with the loss to Corinthians in the Club World Cup and the Brazilian tears, which followed or that most ultimate of head-scratchers that was the Michael Essien loan to Real Madrid.

Aidan had to witness the loss at West Brom in person. Cruel. With his mother! Cruel and unusual, no doubt.

Steve, Jack, Devin, Karan, and I all found it hardest to forget that moment when the new Interim One was confirmed and laid his grubby little hands on the Chelsea treasures. That one's going to sting for some time, I think.

4. AVRAM GRANT OR RAFAEL BENITEZ?

In a match fit for the heyday of the World Wresting Federation, The Waiter defeats The Undertaker by four votes to two.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Karan said "anybody else" and "neither," respectively, not quite understanding how contrived choice questions work. Jack took the fifth and Lamin chose to jump into a tubful of sharks with lasers on their heads when pressed for an answer. I do have it on good authority that he's somehow managed to survive.

5. IS MARKO MARIN REAL?

The yea's have it, seven to three. But there are caveats.

First, as Jack points out, he may only be real in our hearts. Second - and you'll have to take Graham's word on this - you do have to play the right song on the Ocarina to summon him.

(Not to mention, find an Ocarina. You know they don't just grow on shelves, MacAree! I WANT TO SEE, TOO!)

6. PAULO FERREIRA'S BEST ROLE(S)

So many good ones!

  1. Paulo Ferreira, the one and only
  2. Best [gosh darn] unspectacular right back legend you'll ever see
  3. Marking Gareth Bale
  4. Phantom of the Opera
  5. Professional Chap
  6. Jose Mourinho's future assistant
  7. The Most Interesting Translator in the World
  8. Turtleneck and hair model
  9. Book club coordinator
  10. All of the above

7. WHERE DO YOU SEE MILAN LALKOVIC IN FIVE YEARS?

I abstained voluntarily from this question, as I obviously see him leading the line at Chelsea FC, - a couple cheerleaders on each arm, swilling slivovica - defenders cowering in fetal positions just at the mere sight of his magnificence.

The more rational of this lot think that Lalkovic's future lies in a foreign league, perhaps at a team like Fiorentina or maybe in Holland. If that doesn't work out, Tim's suggestion of having him run Chelsea's twitter feed is a gold mine begging to be tapped.

Or perhaps politics. I'd vote for him.

8. DO YOU THINK BRANISLAV IVANOVIC COLLECTS PICTURES OF HIMSELF SITTING ON VARIOUS CROSSBARS?

Don't listen to these grinches. Crossbaring is the new planking!

9. IF FERNANDO TORRES SCORES 20 GOALS AND NOBODY CARES, DOES IT STILL COUNT?

Yes, this is a trick question.

Wait, what ... he did score 20 goals? Haha jokey jokes. Good one!

Really? Oh.

So that was underwhelming, but Graham says yes, so I suppose we'll have to recogn...OH MY GOD A TREE JUST FELL ON STEVE'S CAR!

10. LUKAKU. LUKAKU? LUKAKU!

Yes, please! Lukaku. Best striker in England and Europe in 18 months time. Lukaku. Fan favorite. KRAKEN! Drogba 2.0 in the hand of Mourinho. Lukaku. THREAT LEVEL CARRAGHER. LUKAKU!

The next King of Stamford Bridge.

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