Hello, kind souls at WAGNH. I was planning on making a video of Ake's touches in his full debut, but it proved to be too difficult - Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Instead, you'll have to deal with my video for Fernando Torres' performance against Boro. Please don't hit me for this, kind souls.
Where do I begin? I'll start by saying that Torres actually didn't have such a bad game. The fans have grown accustomed to Torres frighteningly consistent shittiness but, against the Championship team, he actually showed some aptitude. Please be reminded that when I'm reviewing Torres, everything that he does that's remotely satisfactory will be rewarded with praise and plaudits - I'm trying not to completely hate him and resent his existence.
Now, although the commentators rudely said that Torres had no influence on the first half of the Wednesday match, and although they said they don't understand why he's still a Center Forward, despite proving to be blithering at that post, I thought he was okay. They were probably just being big meanies and I, like Eminem, hate people like that. Their spectacles need fixing is what I'm saying. He was constantly running at the defense with the ball (Dribbling AND Turnovers, mind you) and he was good when out of possession; his movement throughout this game was good. Unfortunately, his only effort to test the opposition keeper was a tame tap into the gloves of the Boro shot-stopper. No worries, you can still turn in a great performance without having many shots. He's still cool in my book.
Then the second half came. He was running about like usual, trying his little heart out, but it just wasn't his day. You could still turn in great performances without much luck, granted, but Torres just isn't that type of player. He's more of a reactive player but, then again, his role in the team (as is Demba Ba's) is to wait upfront and wait for the ball to be punted up to them, occasionally helping out on defense. Fine? Fine. Now comes my only real problem with Torres' performance during the week - Terry provided a beautifully weighted pass from his left foot up to the solitary striker, who took the ball down with reasonable skill. Unfortunately, the ball was behind him, but these guys are paid to resolve such trivial issues quickly. So, yeah, he took the ball down and it was slightly behind him. No problems, no worries. Then, it came to past that he FUCKING DID THE SLOWEST TURN EVER FUCKING RECORDED ON FUCKING VIDEO. WHO THE FUCK TAKES 3 SECONDS TO TURN AROUND? WHO GETS PAID TO TAKE THREE FUCKING SECONDS TO TURN THE FUCK AROUND? NOT ME. DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE HOW LONG HE TOOK TO TURN THE FUCK AROUND? ANALYZE WHAT HAPPENED. FUCKING COUNT THAT SHIT FOR YOURSELF. 3 SECONDS. 1 MISSISSIPPI, 2 MISSISSIPPI, 3 MISSISSIPPI. THAT'S HOW FUCKING LONG HE TOOK. But no problems, You can make yourself look like a world-wide village-idiot and still be great in the last 30 minutes of a match. Right? Right. Only you'd be wrong. He never recovered. I have no energy left to complete this 'analysis', so that's all you get.
To be fair to Mr. Chelsea, he wasn't particularly bad throughout the game. If I was to rate him, I'd give him a 4, or maybe a 5 if I had my lucky socks on. Please enjoy the musical stylings of Mr. Ram Srinivas
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