Having sources at the right places is wonderful, just like having eyes and ears aplenty, littered all over the places you wish to be, but cannot be at the same time. They drop in some titbits of news to me now and then, help me win major bets I place while gambling* on signings et al. People like to call me a super-agent, a middle-man, Mino Raiola and sometimes even, a Zlatan. But I'm nothing like that, I'm just an influential man having the right men at the right places.
(*Gambling, really? How can I call it gambling when I know which player is going where, for how much, etc.)
According to my impeccably placed sources in the offices of leading football clubs and news agencies, here are the revelations going on in the transfer deadline market that are yet to be announced :
- Arsenal break the bank to sign Ibrahimovic :
Premier League pushovers Arsenal, tired of being pushovers, have broken the club transfer record to sign Kung Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who has cost them $25 million, from PSG. It is, however, reported that Ibrahimovic will be paid double of what he was earning at PSG, a shocking move, that would see him pocketing nearly $1 million per week.
Whilst Ibrahimovic has proven to be quite a half-decent player, his most notable footballing action being this, he is prone to occasional brainfarts, like recently, mistaking himself for Rey Mysterio, he gave the ball a vertical 6-1-9, which to the near dismay of Ryan Shawcross' balls flew into the net.
- Ferguson "boots out" Chicharito, Chelsea snaps him up :
According to my informed colleague,
Roberto Mancini Sir Alex Ferguson has been involved in a training ground bust-up with Mario Balotelli Javier Hernandez, nicknamed Chicharito, meaning The Little Pea. Sir Alex is reported to have thrown a 12 sized boot at the Mexican, who then, inconsolably, started crying, also tearing his United kit in rage. Fegie had just put him up to be sold when Chelsea obliged.
Chelsea have reportedly agreed terms with Chicharito and he is expected to arrive in London to undergo his medical within the next hour. This deal is expected to cost Chelsea around $18 million in transfer fees with Chicharito rumoured to be signing a $90,000 per week contract.
- Rafa Benitez resigns under mysterious circumstances, newcomer appointed as successor :
Rafa Benitez has resigned from the post of the Chelsea Interim Manager with immediate effect. This bit of news follows the fact that he was found running out of his kitchen shouting 'He's after me!' repeatedly. Upon searching his entire kitchen, the Scotland Yard have found a note in Russian, translating roughly to "You're dead". The Scotland Yard have announced that they see no links to this threat, but Benitez has decided to pack up and go to the UAE to do commentary.
Chelsea FC, meanwhile, have announced a new duo, Graham MacAree and Stephen Schmidt to take over as the manager and his assistant, respectively. Here is a photograph of the American duo landing in London.
MacAree is said to be a once-upon-a-time mediocre left-back, who resorted to making teddy bears and Schmidt is said to be an ex-athletic coach, now watching under-8 teams play and giggle with joy. However out of place this pair of appointment seems, it is not expected to surpass the disappointments of hiring a waiter and #BOLO.
That is all from me this time out, folks. I'll keep all of y'all informed just as soon as my sources get me the information.