A WAGNH World Exclusive Special Report: Jose Mourinho's text messages to Roman Abramovich

David Ramos

Coming to you straight from our inside source at Roman Abramovich's secret underground lair, these are the exclusive texts that WAGNH has acquired.

What you are about to read is true and is no way fabricated by idle minds at WAGNH Towers.* The following are all actual texts that our inside source has pulled directly from Roman Abramovich's phone and we can now reveal them to you in a world exclusive. Take THAT Daily Express!

Graham MacAree and Lamin Oo contributed to this exclusive special report. We must also tip our cap to our men on the street, WAGNH agents JonathanWC & The Bison (codename) for their crucial tips.

All told, there were over one hundred texts from Jose Mourinho but having watched the Irene Adler episode of Sherlock several times, we have kept some in reserve as collateral - you know, just in case, for protection. Many were also not that interesting (several that were just "LOLs" and smiley faces) and all the ones with emoji proved difficult to properly transcribe into this publishing platform. The rest are presented here, unaltered and without commentary:

On friendship:

So I don't know you, and this is crazy, so here's my number, that I'm texting you from
dude, party at my house tonight. pep's coming. lmao bring him some German beer
My hearttttttt willll go onnnnn!!! Man, I miss karaoke nights :(
dude. dude. dude! happy birthday man. miss you. xx

On Real Madrid:

Madrid man soooo boring. No snow either. Can you send more of those petite giraffes? They're a riot!
FYI don't get mad, gonna let Tito have La Liga in return for Messi teaching Jose Jr some skillzzz. that should take care of the RM contract too lol
Madrid Beer Pong tournament this year, need 2 win it. Need Essien tho. He da shizzle at da bounce shot. MOU & BISON INVINCIBLE BEST
LOL Roman, Roman, check it out, Iker sitting on the bench! LULZ [attachment]

On Chelsea Football Club:

hahahahaha remember when you had that undefeated streak at Stamford Bridge? GUESS WHAT THAT WAS ALL ME. BOOM. JOSE THE MAN. THE SPECIAL MAN. THE SPECIALEST MAN.
hey can you introduce me to David Luiz? I wanna know how he gets his hair like that.
Rafa!? WTF

On the future:

If u wanna stay cool, u gotta keep the AC on
cut the blond. then we'll talk
BUT NO GRANT THIS TIME! I mean it. Creeps me out.

* umm...yes, yes they are. Fake fake fake. This is here for legal reasons and also for protection from Roman Abramovich reasons. Mostly for the protection from Abramovich reasons. Especially for the protection from Abramovich reasons. That being said, if you're reading this, Roman, I love you and I adore you and please hire me as your personal petite giraffe caretaker and/or highly paid chauffeur and Football Manager advisor.

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