Dear Chelsea, you need to stop having so many one-night stands.

As someone who really cares about your health and well-being, it saddens me to see how you've turned into a nymphomaniac pick-up artist, seducing top managers into shallow one-night stands with your money and empty promises.

And look at you now. LOOK! AT! YOU! NOW! Look at how fucked-up your life has become...lost the UEFA Super Cup, out of Champions League, lost the Club World Cup, almost out of League Cup, out of the race for Premier League...WAKE! THE! FUCK! UP! you cockney whore.

So far, yeah, you can still function ok. But I swear, one of these days, for sure--you're gonna catch a STD from all your pointless, shallow one-night stands. And then nobody will want you anymore and you're gonna die a lonely whore...

And what the hell is up with you banging that Rafa chap? Damn... are you really that desperate? Andre and Robbie I can understand, but Rafa? You got a fat-ass fetish or something? COME! TO! YOUR! SENSES! you fucking slut.

Don't you know what's really missing from your life? Well, let me tell you: It's STABILITY. A stable guy to care for you... in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, till death do you two part. Look at Manu and Alex's marriage, for example. Look at how fucking stable and successful they are together, so successful you want to bitch-slap their cocky faces.

Truth is, though you'll never admit it, you should never have broken up with Jose. He was your true Special One, the one who really made you happy... But seriously bitch, it's time for you to move on from Jose, stop spreading your legs for every unemployed manager in town, and SETTLE! THE! FUCK! DOWN!--and this time for good. Don't you know a stable marriage will bring you the most happiness? Just ask married footballing legends like Ryan Giggs and John Terry.

Well, how about that Laudrup chap? He's a classy guy, dependable, stable, well-respected by people. Don't lie to me and say you don't fancy him, cos I saw you masturbating over his Barcelona poster the other night. YES, OF COURSE I WATCH THESE THINGS... don't you know how much I care about you???

That's why it breaks my heart to see you like this, whoring yourself out for no rhyme or reason. Please, babe, I care too much about you to see you go on like this any longer. Settle down, babe. Don't keep hurting me like this. It hurts. It really hurts.

If you can't do this for me, please... do it for you. Do it for your own fucking self-respect. Realize that you're wonderful and lovable just the way you are and you don't need to whore yourself out to every up-and-coming young manager.

Hugs & Kisses xxx,


P.S. WHERE! THE! FUCK! is my new contract?

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any sort of approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions held by the editors of this site.

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