SOLDIERS OF THE REGIMENT!
You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of Chelsea-loving people everywhere march with you. In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the Catalan possession-machine, the elimination of the tyranny of Tiki-Taka over the oppressed teams of Europe, and security for ourselves in a Financial Fair Play world.
Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely.
But this is the year 2012! Much has happened since the Tiki-Taka triumphs of the past several seasons. The United Nations of Jose Mourinho have inflicted upon Barcelona great defeats, in open battle, man-to-man. Our air offensive has seriously reduced their strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons of pass destruction and other munitions of match control, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men. The tide has turned! The free men of the world are counter-attacking together to Victory!
I have full confidence in your courage and devotion to duty and skill in battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!
Good luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty Sideshow Dave upon this great and noble undertaking.