What Really Happened To Andre Villas-Boas

STOKE ON TRENT, ENGLAND - AUGUST 14: Andre Villas-Boas the Chelsea manager looks on during the Barclays Premier League match between Stoke City and Chelsea at the Britannia Stadium on August 14, 2011 in Stoke on Trent, England. Chelsea have parted company with manager Andre villas-Boas and appointed his assistant Roberto di Matteo as interim coach until the end of the season. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

Ed note: I wrote this last week, and now it's even more topical. So I'm posting it again. It's my blog, right?

So. You want to know what really happened to Andre Villas-Boas? Are you prepared for the truth? It's ugly. The answers lie deep within Stamford Bridge... and, also, after the jump.

There is a great activity on the platform. Six stewards frantically prepare the chamber for use. A special coffinlike container is put into place. Frank LAMPARD stands to the side, looking sinister. Andre VILLAS-BOAS is muscled towards the contraption, accompanied by defenders Ashley COLE, Branislav IVANOVIC and Jose BOSINGWA. Ersatz midfielder Raul MEIRELES is also with them, as is owner Roman ABRAMOVICH.

Andre VILLAS-BOAS: (to Ashley COLE) What's going on...buddy?

COLE: You're having your contract... frozen.

Roman ABRAMOVICH moves away from the group to Frank LAMPARD.

ABRAMOVICH: What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me.

LAMPARD: The fans will compensate you if he dies. Put him in!

Realizing what is about to happen, Branislav IVANOVIC lets out a wild howl and attacks the stewards surrounding Andre.

IVANOVIC: >:(. Rwwwwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

Within seconds, other reinforcements join the scuffle, befuddling the giant Serbian bear-man with their complicated words and such. From the instant of IVANOVIC's first move, Jose BOSINGWA begins to scream in panic while he tries to protect himself with his enormous eyebrow.

BOSINGWA: Oh, no! No, no, no! Stop, Branko, stop...!

The stewards are about to confuse IVANOVIC even further with their words and instructions.

VILLAS-BOAS: Stop, Branislav, stop! Do you hear me? Stop!

BOSINGWA: Yes, stop, please! I'm not ready to start at right back again. I may never be!

VILLAS-BOAS breaks away from his captors. LAMPARD nods to the stewards to let him go and the manager breaks up the fight.

VILLAS BOAS: Bran! Bran, this won't help me. Hey!

VILLAS-BOAS gives the Serbian bear-man a stern look.

VILLAS-BOAS: Save your strength. There'll be another time. The princess - you have to take care of him. You hear me? Fernando needs your help.

Andre winks at the Serbian bear-man, who wails a doleful farewell.

IVANOVIC: Mwaaaaaarrrrr! :-(

In a flash the guards have slipped binders on IVANOVIC, who is too distraught to protest. Andre turns to Raul MEIRELES. They look sorrowfully at one another, then Andre moves toward him and gives him a final, passionate kiss.

MEIRELES: I love you!

VILLAS-BOAS: I know.

FWOOSH!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join We Ain't Got No History

You must be a member of We Ain't Got No History to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at We Ain't Got No History. You should read them.

Join We Ain't Got No History

You must be a member of We Ain't Got No History to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at We Ain't Got No History. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9353_tracker