It’s a good time to be a Chelsea fan. The club has recently released some great financial information; Mata, Hazard & Oscar continue to impress and the goals are flying in. Great! However, there is one thing that disturbs you, the Chelsea fans, to no end – the position of striker. Fans continue to ask for a big signing in the next transfer window. You would all like someone to convert all those chances Torres is currently missing. It’s a valid request but, as ever, being the voice of reason, I will propose a better economic solution - the type of economic solution that can save £50,000,000. Strangely enough, said solution takes us to a third-world country.
A few of us doctors meet on a biannual basis in third-world countries to harvest organs which we then sell on the Black Market so as to attain significant profits. It’s a dirty business but someone has to do it. Also, we save lives! Anyway, I saw an old friend of mine at our most recent meeting – Dr. Doom. He is a man of science, productivity, destruction, unwavering commitment and he is also a FC United of Manchester fan. Go figure. We got to talking about football and I provided him with Fernando’s and Daniel’s stats. He was woefully disappointed. Initially, he suggested that Fernando could beta test his new Death Ray but I convinced him that Tony Gale is a much more worthy test subject. We spoke further about the striker conundrum Chelsea is facing and I asked him for a solution. Before getting to the solution, he went on a little rant. Brilliant scientists have a tendency to do this. He talked about how disillusioned he has become with Mr. Richards and his cohorts. The incessant stretching, force fields and fireballs have left him without a purpose in life. He simply cannot best the Fantastic Four.
I managed to interject, bringing the rant to an abrupt end and insisted that the doctor get back to the problem at hand. As exceptional scientists so often do, he suggested something brilliant. He spoke of a device he recently created. It is a device with the capacity to combine two separate organisms into one being – The Amalgamator. Outstanding! My mind was blown. Daniel’s instincts, directness and shooting prowess combined with Fernando’s link-up play, team ethic, defensive contribution and never-say-die attitude would combine seamlessly. I won’t bore you all with the details but plans have already been made for the disappearance of both players and the signing of Carl Brown. We initially thought of an amalgamation of both players names but that would be too obvious. Luckily for us and Roman, deals made with evil geniuses don’t count towards FFP expenditure. Dr. Doom has confirmed that plan “I still want to kill the Fantastic Four but I’ll help Chelsea FC because I hate both Manchester clubs” will take effect in December. We’ll just have to make do with Fernando and Daniel until then.
Dr. Doom also suggested an alternative, the signing of Stefan Jovetic. However, Jovetic recently signed a new contract at his club. I notified my fellow doctor that it would be too complicated to get him to sign for Chelsea. This was one of Doom’s less brilliant moments.
Chelsea fans, look forward to the best striker the club has ever seen by the turn of the new year!
That’s that. I’ve made you all happy. Now it’s time for you all to make me happy. For a limited time only; kidneys, hearts, lungs and livers are 50% off. Call 1-905-CHELSEA!! Obviously, this offer is only available while stocks last.