By now you've heard the discouraging news. Rafael Benitez, as of Wednesday evening, is the interim manager of Chelsea Football Club.
Why this move took place none of us will probably ever know. Perhaps the suits sounded out Pep Guardiola in the aftermath of Tuesday's night's shredding in Turin, and the initial signs were positive. Maybe those signs led to the premature sacking of Roberto Di Matteo. Of course, we know now that Pep isn't remotely interested in exiting the Big Apple at the moment. So, is the potential change of mind by Mr. Guardiola at fault for today's baffling turn of events?
Hell no. I, however, am going to accept this little fairytale I just cooked up as truth because I'm going need some way to sleep at night for the next six months.
Nevertheless, we must move forward with Rafa. (I can't believe I just said that) So, I asked the staff of We Ain't Got No History to provide a short paragraph or two on their initial reaction to the hiring. As you would expect, it doesn't exactly make for joyful reading. Hey, this is what you get when you hire the overweight waiter.
Rafa is our manager, fact. Rafa is wildly inconsistent, fact. Rafa once said in 2008 that 'Chelsea fans lack passion', fact. Rafa will likely subject us to another extended run of Fernando Torres, fact. Rafa is, in short, a polarizing figure who will either offer some semblance of stability or bring us to brink of chaos, fact.
If you strip away the emotion of him having been Liverpool boss, this makes sense. He's the best option of those available now, and Chelsea probably needed a change. It's only for the rest of the season, which removes the pressure to shape the team in his image which has destroyed so many managers. I imagine he'll be able to come in and do a job for us. Plus, we could have got Ole 'Arry or Uncle Avi, for crap's sake. He's our manager for the time being, for better or worse so we should back him until such time as he gives us reason not to.
I feel like Yoda has been replaced by Jabba the Hutt.
A key to any relationship is to keep things fresh. Don't fall into a routine, don't let the mundane overshadow the extraordinary. So in that sense, we should be thankful to Roman Abramovich for managing to still surprise all of us after almost a decade in charge of the beloved Chelsea FC.
On the other hand, Abramovich has just crossed the line from crazy-yet-fun-and-sexy to knife-wielding-batshit-insane-
He, who shall not be named, can fuck off with his grubby little manic hands. If he even touches Mata, or Hazard, or Oscar, or David Luiz, or Mikel, or anybody other than Torres, I will scream bloody murder. A giant fucking asterisk is what the rest of this season has become. He may have conned Roman into paying his salary for the next six months, but I refuse to acknowledge his existence now and forever.
So many died during the 1631 sack of Magdeburg that the River Elbe was virtually filled with corpses. The fire that ravaged the city was the biggest killer, burning many alive and suffocating most of the rest in their cellars. There were 5,000 survivors out of an initial population of 30,000, and it took almost a century for the rubble to be cleared completely.
The Count of Tilly, in other words, went through a lot of work to provide us with a good historical metaphor for what Chelsea pulled today.
I'm literally sick to my stomach at this hiring. Roberto Di Matteo ran into trouble over the last several weeks because he struggled to adapt his style to the personnel we brought in over the summer. So to replace him, the club brought in a manager that was so married to his tactics that he averaged 13 signings per year as he attempted to shove players into specific roles they weren't suited for, as opposed to working to best utilize the massive amounts of talent he already had available. In addition, we've hired a guy that has had bad things to say publicly about the Chelsea fanbase in the past, and will almost certainly ensure another extended run of Fernando Torres as our lone center forward.
I'm trying to be level headed about this, but we've sacked a very likable manager for one of the most despised characters possible. What's worse, Benitez doesn't really have the resume to warrant the switch. The only two trophies that he won in six seasons at Liverpool, Robbie won in less than three months at Chelsea. I don't like this at all, and it's going to take one hell of a six-month run to change my mind on this one.
If you ever had an underlying worry that modern-day Chelsea Football Club, at the top, was out of touch with its fanbase then this is your crowning evidence. What an awful bloody sacking. What an even worse bloody appointment. To think the club would pursue this man, knowing full-well what ticket- and merchandise-buying supporters thought of him (and what he thought of us), is baffling to me.
As I said in the introduction, I pray something went horribly wrong in the lead-up to the appointment and the club had to settle for this bastard (yeah, I know, not a chance). I also hope that we're all wrong and somehow Rafa manages to lead us to some semblance of success during the rest of this season - and then promptly jogs his bloated arse right the hell out of town. But enjoying success under this man seems rather far-fetched in my, and many other peoples', estimation.
One more thing, Rafa: I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk off.