England's various media outlets and even the official site have their 'stories' today focusing on the fact that Chelsea are happy to have escaped FC Copenhagen's clutches and escaped into the quarter-finals of the Champions League after crushing their opponents in Denmark and then cruising to a blissfully easy 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge yesterday. This really is the cutting edge of news, you know. After all, it's extremely rare that you'd ever find a manager pleased that his side has advanced in a tournament, or players thrilled to bits that they weren't knocked out at home by a team from Scandinavia.
In solidarity with the media, here's some other breaking, hugely important news from the Chelsea camp:
- Carlo Ancelotti: 'I'm A Laid-Back Guy Who Likes His Wine'. You may be used to seeing Carlo Ancelotti barking orders on the touchline, but did you know that off the pitch he's a kind gentle soul who likes nothing more than a good glass of red wine to relax after the game?
- Didier Drogba: 'I Would Quite Like To Have Scored More Goals This Year'. In a shocking revalation, Ivory Coast and Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has admitted that he enjoys scoring goals, and that being in free-scoring form is better than having malaria.
Yuri Zhirkov: 'I'm Russian'. Chelsea utilityman Yuri Zhirkov, acquired from CSKA Moscow for £18M in 2009, is Russian, according to several reports. Pandemonium accompanied this astonishing news, with several riots and at least one minor civil war erupting as the story spread across the world.
- Fernando Torres: 'If My Hair Were A Lady, I'd Sleep With Her'. Chelsea striker Fernando Torres has admitted that he likes his hair more than most. Added captain John Terry, 'If he would, so would I.'
- Branislav Ivanovic Eats Bears: We Ain't Got No History sat down with a chat with the Serbian defender regarding his culinary habits. The highlights: 'I'm not saying grizzly bear stew is bad, but bear is so much better raw after you've brought the thing down with your teeth.'
- Ashley Cole Shot A Dude: England and Chelsea left back Ashely Cole shot a work placement student in Cobham after larking around with an air rifle. Police says they have closed the investigation and no charges will be filed.